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Happy Girl

I am really enjoying life right now. I have nothing to complain about. I've been doing such a good job of letting things be...and not worrying about them...that sometimes I feel like I'm sitting in a theatre watching my life happen. It's is an adventure and it's interesting to see how things play out. Friendships die. New ones blossom. I fail. I improve. I succeed. I smile.

I'm spending time on me. I'm eating right. Exercising more. And sleeping well. I'm keeping people around who make me happy. And dismissing the energy vampires. I'm learning to say no. And doing a damn good job of it. I'm not just content. I'm happy. And I deserve it.

Are you happy?

Crossfit, Lesson One Learned

I've been wanting to get into Crossfit for a while, now. What's been stopping me? Not the big heavy weights, the pain of pushing myself to the max, or the fear of meeting pukie. No. I can handle that stuff. What I've been fearing is what the people at the gym are going to think when they see a fat girl on the pullup machine. And...I've never done a deadlift before...Are people going to look at me weird when they see that my form is in serious need of repair? And...I can't do burpees in the middle of the weight room!...I'll look like an idiot.

When I went to the gym last night, I had 3 goals: relieve stress from work, find out how fast I could swim 1000 yds, and try the assisted pullup machine. I did get to relieve some stress by venting to my workout partner (a.k.a. my bff). I did get in the pool to swim the 1000 yds (took me 20 min). And after my swim...just before closing time...I showered, got dressed, grabbed my bag and coat, and walked down to the weight room, hoping that everyone would be gone since it was so close to closing time. I dropped my stuff outside the weight room and peeked in to see if there were still people around. There were.

Now, I know that most of the time, people are more concerned about themselves, at any given moment, than how others look. I know that I shouldn't let fear stop me from doing anything (that isn't going to kill me) because if I do, I won't be able to move forward in life. I know that there are things to fear in life, and what people think of me? Isn't one of them. I know these things and yet? Last night, I let fear win. I let fear paralyze me from achieving a goal. As soon as I saw that there were some serious looking weight-lifters still lurking, I put my coat on, grabbed my bag, and walked out into the cold to my car.

I shouldn't be afraid of what people are going to think of me, but last night I was. Tomorrow, I will face my fear. I will try the assisted pullup machine. It may be at 5 am, as soon as the gym opens. And I may only do 10 reps. But, I will face and overcome my fear.

Lesson 1 learned. Thank you, Crossfit.

Last night's workout:
1 mile walk
1 mile run
1000 yard swim - time trial


"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."---- FDR - First Inaugural Address, March 4, 1933

I'm baaa-aaaaaack

I gathered with friends last night as we celebrated our friend's graduation from the Fire Academy. I'm super proud of him for pursuing his dream job. He, and another friend I spoke with last night, inspired me. I'm not happy at my current job. Are you?

I got to spend today with family. I'm fortunate to live close enough to my parents/siblings/niece that I can drive to see them about every other week. My niece, Hadley, is adorable...and is taking after her aunt Sherist in some respects. A few minutes ago, she handed me a fake plastic lipstick out of her little purse and then showed me how to use it...something I taught her a few weeks ago.

Today's workout:
30 pushups
30 assisted dips
30 situps
30 reverse crunches
Repeat 3 times

You can not be you, if you are who everyone else wants you to be.
-Stephen Strange

When You're Dreaming With a Broken Heart, The Waking Up is NOT the Hardest Part. And Why in the Hell is This Raccoon Chasing Me?

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, The waking up is the hardest part. You roll outta bed and down on your knees, And for the moment you can hardly breathe.

PS - The waking up is the hardest part, only if you can get to sleep.

It was a beautiful night. Warm. Slight breeze. Perfect for running. (see: new running shoes)

New Running Shoes.

I was running. And thinking. And admiring my new shoes. And, in normal fashion, not paying attention to what was ahead of me. And before I knew it, I was face-to-face with a gigantasaurus raccoon. No kidding. I swear he had to weigh at least 40 pounds. No kidding. He crawled down the tree he was in and stared at me. Just stood their (all 40 pounds of him) and stared. One would think the little bastard would be scared of me and just run away…like his other (smarter) friends did. One would be wrong. Since the devil-raccoon was obviously going to win our little stare-off, I slowly turned around. And slowly started running in the other direction (the slowly part was not a stretch for me). After a several strides I looked over my shoulder, and, yup…the effing raccoon was chasing me down the street. Shit. Shit! Shitshitshit! I can't outrun this guy. I’m fat. And slow. And ohmygod, now I have the rabies! (That is how it works, right? You get chased by a raccoon and automatically get the rabies? It is, right?) Fortunately, the scary dinosaur-sized raccoon soon realized that the more he chased me, the further away he was getting from whatever he was climbing. Or eating. Or giving the rabies. He gave up. I won. Yay me.

Soon, the excitement of being chased down by the deadliest of deadly animals wore off and my heart started to hurt. No - not because I’m fat and had just eaten a plate of Thai Chicken Noodles and was in the middle of running eleventeen miles. No. My heart hurt because I remembered why I was running. I was running because I couldn’t sleep…because I missed Him. You see, about a month and a half ago, my X (boyfriend of 5 yrs) and I were getting ready to watch Blades of Glory when he calmly announced that he was leaving me. Leaving me because ‘your too messy, you don’t talk enough, we don’t have anything in common. And oh yeah, I’ve felt this way for two years’. We were both messy. And I thought that my not talking too much was one of the things he adored about me. And we've known from the beginning that we didn't have much in common. It worked for us. I thought it did, anyway. I had no idea whatsoever that these things bothered him so much. No idea. I really thought we were one of the lucky couples who made all of the unhappy-in-love people nauseous. He was my Prince Charming and I was his Pretty Princess. And we were going to Live Happily Ever After for Forever And A Day. Which is why I’m having a hard time getting over him…still. Which is why I’m writing this blog...well, part of the reason anyway. I want to stop recycling the pain and try to figure this out on my own. Why didn't it work? Why was he not The One for me. And why was I so sure he was? What do I need from a relationship? What do I want from life? Where do I go from here? And should I get a rabies shot?

Wondering was [he] really here? Is [he] standing in my room? No [he’s] not, 'cause [he']s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

So, here I am on my new fucking journey of self-discovery. I’ve heard journaling is good for that. So I’m journaling. Publicly. Maybe because I’m looking for advice from those who have Been Here (because I sure as hell haven't). And also maybe because blogging is way cheaper than Actual Therapy. As is running. And crying. And I have discovered that you can, in fact, run and cry at the same time. Good to know…especially when being chased by a raccoon. So, I will be blogging a lot. And running. And crying. A lot.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart, The giving up is the hardest part. [He] takes you in with your crying eyes, Then all at once you have to say goodbye. Wondering could you stay my love? Will you wake up by my side? No [he] can't, 'cause [he's] gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Cheers.

Italicized Lyrics by John Mayer in "Dreaming With a Broken Heart"

New Running Shoes
Originally uploaded by sherist123